I often sat and gave others the credit for my survival…
My last credit was, if I didn’t have my therapist I wouldn’t be here.
That was a lie, we all tell these lies and think that our other half makes us whole, money makes us happy, new convertible gives are life…. But.!
What I’ve learnt in the last few months, is that we save ourselves and the quicker we come to this realisation the better,because nobody is sat permanently waiting to correct our fuck ups and we all need to value our self worth, not in a narcissistic, head up our own arse way, but a healthy putting our mental health way.
September 2017, I woke up crying for five days in a row because I hated life. I’m not going to lie I was up against it, needed an operation so I could live not exist, I needed carers and also I needed to accept i needed help.
Skip through tears, anguish, hate, hours of therapy, overeating, undereating and alot of questioning my abilities.
I’m sitting here, six weeks in with one permanent catheter in place, three weeks in with a carer five days a week, my daughters settling at school, on civil terms with my ex husband and I’m OK with waking up alone.
And who have I too thank?…..ME. obviously I’ve had help along the way, but my operation wouldn’t have happened unless I stomped my feet constantly, my therapy which has helped massively wouldn’t have happened unless I sought after help and its safe to say I’m the reason I have carers because my god, social services don’t do quick, efficient or helpful this side of Christmas 2028!!
Yes I am sat in an electric wheelchair 90% of my life, yes I piss through a tube, no I can’t live exactly how I would like… But!!! I can choose how I want to live out my days and that is going to be as happy and content as I can be.
I no longer feel I need a partner to fulfill my life, I enjoy what I can do not what I can’t and highly recommend everyone too see a therapist (we’re all a bit fucked up in one way or another).
It’s taken a while but I know that what makes me stronger, is myself and I’m entitled to happiness.