In June 2015 i decided my 12 year relationship was just shy of being utterly ridiculous in the way that if it was any more toxic, Donald Trump might have produced it himself!
On my way through Desperationville, stopping at WTF creak, I decided that life for now was to make me, me again because a large portion of me had been sucked dry, while trying to please an un-pleasable and bringing up a very strong willed daughter, that i mistakenly presumed needed to be put first above anything else!
On my path to find out who i am now at 31, it has been really tough on my emotions. Especially in a world that says you should know what you want to do, who you want to be and look a certain way. The first thing i decided is that, I want to be a single pringle and discover what i want on my own without having to please some arsehole (ye really cynical about relationships). And work on me, not my daughter or anyone else that expects me to be a certain way, needs my help, wants a piece of me and just work on making me happy, because honestly if we don’t make ourselves truly happy we are not a shitsworth of good to anybody else.
So far i have discovered that I LOVE to write and it can be anything that takes my fancy at the time. It is so refreshing to write how i feel or something that i am truly interested in, without the feeling that i have to impress anyone or gain their approval. And in the evening, just read a book without interruptions, I am just trying to relish in the silence and non complications of having a partner.
Secondly i fucking love music always have, but i found it hard to listen to what i want with someone else present, who doesn’t share your passion for the genre. And because i now listen and browse to whatever i choose to, i find i can actually listen to the lyrics, forget the beat for a second but i get lost in lyrics and just feel this connection to the artist behind it.
Thirdly doing what i want to my body because i just fancy it and really not giving a rats arse about anyone’s opinion. So i currently have blue black hair, which i love and not to blow my own trumpet but i rock dark hair. Doing my make up for ME because i love different colour’s and experimenting. Or spending the day with hair chucked up, loose shirt and fleece pj bottoms because i can. It is ok to get your hair did and your nails on fleek, buy that new top that makes your tits pop, but do it because you like it, because honestly if your shaping your look to please someone else, you are not being true to you and damn it we are important.
And finally i am loving using the word ‘NO’, i was constantly pleasing everybody and eventually royally had the piss taken out of me and i can’t blame the people doing it (maybe just a smidge), because i allowed it and this huge expectation became the normal, if anyone needed my time, wanted to borrow money or become an emotional punchbag. Thus leaving me without five minutes to myself and it is possible to protect yourself without upsetting everyone, if you say no and people have a problem with it, that is completely on them as the saying goes ‘those who matter don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter’.
I have made a stand, in a world that is always asking when you are going to date, when are you getting married, are you only having one child and the rest of the bullshit that we’re always made to feel is normal and set our goals towards it, that i am sticking two fingers up to ‘normal’ and doing what i want, when i want, but without being an arsehole.
So ladies and gents, if you are only looking for love or strolling Tinder because you think you should, great idea….DON’T! Because it is possible to be happy without pleasing the millennial’s idea of happiness.