Our own worst enemy

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This week has been a truly profound, eye opening, fucking tear my life apart kind of journey.

The one in where you plan a gap year or two, pack your bags, brag to your friends, stick your middle finger up to the monotonous job of which you hate, make sure you have money, booked your first destination and then…………your going nowhere because you haven’t arranged any transport to the airport, so your going NOWHERE!

This is how a lot of us are in life, wondering why were in a dead end job, is this relationship going anywhere, why do i feel so crap all the time? Now sometimes things are out of our control but mostly the crux of it is, we wait for life to fall into place, or get so worked up we can’t cope so we do nothing. And the saying of ‘the only person who can help is yourself’ is so undeniably true!

I was frankly suicidal not in attempting but the planning, when can i do it, which method will be quickest, nobody cares and i just cant cope. This was the Monday by Friday my appetite was back and i had a small piece of me back, which also proves the other cliche saying of ‘ It may seem bad now but these are passing thoughts’ …is also not so cliche but true, it is just hard to hear at the time.

All the issues i faced, not feeling i was capable of love or being loved, feeling alone because i am disabled and everyone who should care just didn’t seem to, my confidence took a massive nose dive and I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, fear, loss and grieve.

But i knew i couldn’t give up, i have a daughter and i had years to live, make up for my lost time. So i emailed hospitals and consultants, rang social services, emailed social services, spoke to people in my place for small pieces of wisdom and support, went to my urology appointments, did it all crying thinking it was pointless but tried none the less.

Then Wednesday went to see my therapist, told her how i felt, who i had contacted and she smiled. I thought why the fuck are you smiling, is my life funny to you? She obviously saw the look of perplex on my face and thought, i better explain myself.

She said

You are now 5 steps closer to your end goal then you were and you should be so pleased. This is how YOU make your life better, you did this and this is where your learn that it is you who can change your life, with help

 

Now my firsts reaction was to say, no i am not any further it all seems pointless, but i just sobbed instead because i did not feel i achieved anything.

Alas the next day i get a call from social services who are now going to help me with my care, I am now on a waiting list at the hospital for an operation i have waited for since March and i have an advocate from Muscular Dystrophy coming to see me, to help me fight my corner.

I then with a rush of serotonin, realised none of that would of happened if i had not helped myself. It is so easy to roll into the fetal position and say fuck it, fuck all of it, i can not do it anymore.

But when you get that few minutes where you can fight for your cause and help yourself, please do it. Therapy… it might seem like a place for whiny babies who have daddy issues, but that is just not the case. It is somewhere i feel safe to say how i feel, where someone is just listening and that in itself is me helping myself.

So if you are at your wits end trying to help someone, if its not going anywhere are they even trying to help themselves, because unless their saying

I’M FUCKED

And admitting they need help and prepared to take some sort of step, take a back step and if you are considering finding the help you need, DO IT.  It is unequivocally the best thing i have ever done, it led to me knowing i needed out of a turbulent shitty relationship, i needed therapy and that i was worth finding a smile to put on my face.

So i guess my rant is really to say

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE, SELF LOVE, BE NO 1.

In the words of Martin Luther King, ” Faith is taking the first step, when you don’t see the whole staircase”, we just all need to have more faith George Michael style.

 

R xx

 

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