I like a mass of other people on the planet have I depression whether it is something you manage or in the spectrum of ‘i don’t want to be alive’ and fear everyday you wake up because you just cant cope. It could be because your job is overwhelming you, everything around you is changing and you feel lost, going through divorce…. grieve, loss, despair. It doesn’t really matter what the reason is, what does matter is you find a way to start feeling better, because it is possible.
3 weeks ago i woke up crying because it was all too much I had 100 voices in my head at the same time…. You can’t do it, give up, nobody cares about you, how can you look after a child, you will end up alone, was this my doing…….And i found myself thinking about the best time i could end it all without hurting my daughter, that’s right i thought my 8 yr old would be better if she didn’t have me and today i think what fucking madness, but in the moment of despair it seemed rational.
Today i am smiling, i went out with my friends, I’ve took huge steps in moving forward and i can see a small light in the distance. But through this i was smiling and no one knew how low i really was. But i’m determined to fuck that dark cloud off and live my life for me. I’ve taken some steps to do this and with baby steps its getting better.
Facing up to demons…..it is terrifying, it is daunting and no you won’t sleep the night before worrying about being judged, criticized or carted off in a straight jacket. I can tell you after 2 weeks, the anxiety before my appointment is now only a dull, momentary thought. It literally is the best thing i decided to do, it has clarified that a lot of my problems were due to emotional scarring, something i did not deserve. I was honest about how i felt, what i wanted to do too myself and she just listened, someone just listened to me and once i had unburdened myself i knew the things i had to do. Now i am not completely OK, the days after were an emotional whirlwind, i was either crying or feeling completely angry but i rolled with it. The bottomless pit of things i had buried for over 10 yrs had burst out, i felt lighter with each visit. So if you are considering it, but not sure if you should i can 100% tell you that small or large problem, it is worth it.
2- Self care
Everyone will be different but do anything that makes you feel better. And try to do something that makes you feel good, if you have a stack of dishes and you really don’t have the energy to do it all, just tackle the cutlery. If you can’t get in that shower, just go rinse your face, get your nails painted, no appetite… that’s OK eat just enough to keep you going maybe an apple, handful of nuts (obvs not if your allergic). Just do what ever the fuck you need to, so for 5 minutes of the day you think, i did that….and in the grand scheme of things, its amazing you managed to do that. Make yourself a priority in anyway you can.
3 – Chanel your attention
I find that if i have background noise, it dulls out my thoughts from being so loud. No matter what i am doing, shower, housework, shopping, going to sleep… i have music on. Whether it is Linkin Park, Fleetwood mac, Def Leopard, I always have music on, singing along, takes me away for a little while, enough to give my mind a rest, give my brain a chance to just exhale and go onto autopilot. I have been known to sketch, cook, do some gardening, just something artistic that you enjoy and have an end product, a little boost for your self esteem. And in my darkest times, when i couldn’t connect to anyone else music understood how i felt, it was there 24/7 whenever i needed it, without questions to why, i just put it on and got lost in the lyrics.
4 – Get rid of negative baggage
Most of us have have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc, have same friends we go out with on the weekend………are they doing you any good. It’s good to evaluate this because i have found that chilling with the friend who is bitchy, judgmental, narcissistic and just doesn’t support you is really not good for my health. Surround yourself with friends who know that your having a hard time, but make you laugh despite this, that don’t want you fail to make them feel better. Delete those Instagram accounts that make you question if your pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough or popular enough. Be with people who you would be happy to be, because of who they are. PETS, i have 2 cats and a dog and on the worst day having a cuddle from them just because they love me, always feels nice.
And to anybody that doe not know how it feels to be so low, i can give you some advice. Never presume the person in the skinny jeans, with styled hair, manicured nails and smile is not on the brink of suicide, if someone calls out and asks for help, do not judge on you own expectations of what you think they should look like or that their life seems ok, they should just suck it up, because you have faced it and your fine……that’s judgmental, it kinda makes you an arse hole and that person has trusted you enough to open up.
We’re all battling our demons, some can cope, some can’t. If you broke your leg and someone said, it is just in the mind, just start walking……how would you feel? It is the same thing, its just not visible.
It is possible no matter how bad it seems to crawl into a place where you can wake up without dread, then aim to want to go out, you start to smile…genuinely smile!!! I am a wheelchair user, I am going through divorce and have spent the last 15 years not seeing any reason why i’m needed on this mortal coil. But today i smile, tomorrow doesn’t seem impossible and i know i am going in the right direction.
Your loved by someone, someone needs you and you are worthy of having the most wonderful life xoxo