Why does everything feel so heavy

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Therapy….not something i really wanted to do, didn’t think i really needed it, too scared to open the flood gates……..but this year one of my all time favourite artists committed suicide Chester Bennington. Ive always had a big connection with Linkin Park, i suppose i always felt a connection with the lyrics. But until his death i never realised how much.

A picture of Chester just days before his death was released, to the outside he looked extremely happy, laughing and in love with life. He was never shy about his mental health and until i saw the picture and watched an interview recently of how he said he managed depression, i never saw the urgency to go and see somebody about how i felt, why? Because to the outside i’m tough, hit life head on, always cracking a joke, busy volunteering or helping somebody and i suddenly thought, what if i get to the point of no return like Chester, because i know why i smile and i know how i actually feel inside. Busy means i’m distracted from myself, helping means i have someone else to focus on, smiling means i can hide it from the world, but what if it stops being enough.

So my first session of psychotherapy was booked, i have never been so terrified of going to speak to someone in all my life knowing that if i want this to help, i am going to be honest and i’m going to have to drop the drawbridge and let the white knight in, to attempt to save me from the thing that has always stopped me from feeling any sense of normal….myself!! That is  my enemy and probably always will be.

The stigma and judgment made about depression is far from being understood, because someone with depression doesn’t always have greasy hair, a goth look, an eating disorder or drug addiction, these are all too common but sometimes the person who needs help has their hair done, make up done, nails on fleek and a smile that invites you over………That is me most of the time, but inside i don’t like life, i don’t like myself, i fear being alone but also don’t want to see anyone and force myself out of the house, i don’t have any addictions in the ‘normal’ sense, not even caffeine but at the same time only 4 days ago i wondered if my daughter would be ok when i decide it is all too much and want to end it all!!!

No matter the people who value your friendship, the life you have, the people who love you and few rare moments of happiness you feel when you isolated your mind…….Depression is always there and if it was as easy as just ‘cheering up’ then i assure you i would.

I hope in a few weeks i can say i am finding new ways to handle my thoughts and my therapy is really working so i feel less racing thoughts and learn to like myself, because it something i am going to have to live with and i know that.

If your feeling like life is not worth it, go put on music you love and sing……..then ring your nearest loved one and find some help, a good therapist, a Samaritans hotline etc. Don’t ever presume you are not worthy of help because you don’t fit the criteria of looking depressed, you know your mind and when it isn’t thinking right. The bravest thing you will ever do is say ‘ I need help, i don’t want to continue and i can’t do it alone’. This is experience talking, not someone who doesn’t know how it feels to not want to wake up, depression is nothing to be ashamed off #fuckdepression.

Its good to talk





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