I often here people say ‘I’m glad i am nothing like him, what an arsehole’, or a quote to that affect.
And I have always tried my utmost to avoid being black and white, see the grey areas, put others feelings first, treat people how i want to be treated and although that may seem a lovely rosy way to live ones life, i can tell you now that if i could swap with one of those arse holes, I would do it in a heartbeat! Because seeing everyone else’s point of view hasn’t fared well for me so far and what sort of world makes you feel in an emotional state, because you cared and helped too much?
I am very complex mentally, easily hurt and my soul can be destroyed very quickly. I don’t open up very easily, hide my emotions and because of this i find myself hiding away from a cruel world, that so far has made me feel a massive amount of hurt, betrayal and loneliness.
I was spurred on too start my blog because of the emptiness i feel and because i often feel a burden, no matter how many times someone says ‘I’m here if you need me‘, when it isn’t backed up with a ‘how are you text’ or ‘fancy a coffee’ anytime over a 6 month period, you start to feel it’s complete and utter bullshit, shutting yourself away instead of reaching out and feeling like nobody has time for you. Don’t say you will call, text, visit etc if it is just to fuel your own ego and make yourself feel better if you have no intention, some of us have feelings (dick!).
Unfortunately i am finding the only way i can be a bit happier and not get upset with ‘friends’ ( i use that in very small quotes) is to just move on and accept i’m not useful to them and out of sight out of mind, which is not my problem and concentrate on the few people who don’t make me feel like a second rate citizen.
Getting older and being an empath is so draining it has it’s perks in knowing i can see things from a wide perspective but feeling so deeply is exhausting, so if you know someone who seems to get upset very easily or they need ‘me’ time after social gatherings or being around negative fuck wits, let them have that time to fan out all the toxicity from their brain.
This week with the Manchester tragedies, i have had an overwhelming sense of sadness, along with personnel problems and i was finding it really hard to understand why i should smile or look to any future, when the world is filled with self righteous, self centered, lying, manipulative pieces of shit!
But luckily i have a fellow empath who knows how i feel, likes me for me (even my love of disgraceful language) and makes me feel like she bothers because i am worth being around and not a burden or a bore.
Thanks for listening to me witter on, but i needed to ditch the bitch emotions and start a new.