Who is your best friend, your soul mate, the one you turn too when life leaves you pissing in the wind?
Because I can tell you that unequivocally, mine is the lady who lent me her womb and is somewhat taken for granted when running the household, cooking the dinner, ironing clothes, buying the groceries, walking the dog and constantly worrying about her children.
She hasn’t always been my friend because I was a vile selfish stoner, the teenager you would pigeon hole because they hid there face with a hoodie, was constantly getting into trouble and had that reputation of the kid you didn’t want your children to be seen with…….that was me in a nutshell. And too be honest my parents being my ‘parents’ and not my friends gave me the morals and first guide to parenting that i have now.
My parents went through stages of probably wondering what they did to deserve such a shit of a child, i really pushed the limits sometimes and that is only the stuff that they actually know about, the rest i will leave in Pandora’s box, giving them the believe that i wasn’t all that bad! But my mum is the one who always battled with what she knew was right, but felt it was wrong……like my dad going ballistic at me because I had the police on the doorstep or the school ringing because i had stolen the set of master keys for a laugh and although my bollocking was wholly justified, she hated me being shouted at and I could see the hostility towards my dad in her eyes.
I was rude, disinterested in spending time with my mum and all in all a complete nightmare from the moment i started high school, more interested in boys, drinking, smoking weed and being out of the house as much as possible ( I know you’re really warming to me, i sense it).
When I moved out at 17 and if I were my parents, I would have been hanging the bunting out and changing the locks! I couldn’t wait to have my own freedom and do what I want, when I wanted and I hadn’t really understood yet the value of having a mother who loves you unconditionally, because I was like most teenagers and was too focused on her being a fun sponge to my life with her ‘be in at 10 pm’, ‘your not wearing that skirt it is too short’ and ‘Have you been smoking’?.
It was only when I moved out, that my need for my mum changed. I didn’t need her for her culinary delights, washing skills or taxi service, but as someone I could talk too and spend time with, without wanting anything in return other than her company.
Skip forward, en-route to diagnosis. Now if there is something that i can pin point to why I get up everyday, put on my big girl panties and deal with Muscular Dystrophy it is not just my daughter, it is my mum. I truly believe that the worst part of being diagnosed was the look on my mums face at every hospital appointment, every time I upgraded a mobility aid and progressed onto a wheelchair. I know she is riddled with guilt, feeling that she has to make amends for my disability by being the first inline to defend me, taking me shopping and spoiling me within an inch of her credit card and keeping me a kept women.
She has never faulted in her line of duty, even when she was struck with bowel cancer 9 years ago which was near fatal. I have never felt such pain the day I took her to the hospital and found out she had the C word. I still feel guilty now for my reaction, I dropped her off and went to my friends because I couldn’t fall to pieces in front of her, so I pretty much tuck and rolled her out of the car. Even when taking her for chemotherapy or visiting her in hospital after surgery, she was always more concerned for everyone else’s welfare, ‘Are you sure you’re okay to drive‘ and ‘here’s my purse go get some food‘. My mother the always selfless person, even at death’s door.
That was the day I had a glimpse into what I might feel like everyday of my life when I lose her and it has made me grateful for every moment I have with her, because the months leading up to her all clear, were dark, confusing, alcohol fueled days with racing thoughts of what if’s. Don’t get me wrong I am sure I irritate her as much as she irritates me, but that is life and we don’t learn anything from having a straight forward life and I have certainly learnt so far that true family is worth it’s weight in gold and parents should never be taken for granted, here today and gone tomorrow…………….never a truer quote has been said.
I have got to the stage in life where I have had countless friends push me aside and forgot about me because I can’t visit them due to my disability and even on dark days, I’ve have been lifted if even a little by my mums nurturing persona, or by her sheer stupidity . She is everything i need, a comedian (sometimes without knowing it), like when she is shouting obscure words in her sleep like ‘HORSE’. She protects me when someone hurts me (which isn’t often I’m pretty rock steady, but if you do hurt me….run like you have never ran before because there is nothing worse than my mother scorned), she listens to a tonne of my moany bullshit without any judgement (unless I’ve been a right cow and then I get told) and she taught me real genuine kindness, the sort where you don’t expect anything back, it is just enough you have made someone else happy.
If I am even half the woman, mother, nanny and friend that my mum is I will die a very happy person. And when somebody says to me ‘You are a spit of your mum‘, rather than cringe like I would of when I was 15, I now get that warm fuzzy feeling, the one you get when you do some tequila shots!
Luckily enough (for me) I now live opposite my parents, which means I continue to piss my parents off daily when I am bored or I want my dad to cook me something (when I said my mums ‘culinary delights’, it was a lie that is not her forte).
So this is an ode to my mum who makes the impossible task of being my mother look easy, a lady who composed the music for my life, showing me how to be the type of genuine rare person that the world is lacking in.
You may believe a soul mate comes in the form of a husband or wife, but my soul mate is my mother……..
Always will be
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